I'm NOT good enough.

I'm not good enough. yup. in everything I do, I always think that there's something in me lacking. I always want to be the best in whatever. I've said this before in SAEYLS. I always want to be on top in what I do. I remember satin that I'm competitive for anything except studies related. But, it's a whole different story now. I want to be the best in my studies as well. I feel the fire in me wanting straight A+ for what I do now. right now. I simply cannot stand being lower as I feel so embarrassed for myself. this is when the saying 'everyone has the same neurology, if it is possible for others, it's definitely possible for me too. i know i can do it. everytime my loved ones compare me to others, the feeling that I'm not good enough will always be there in my mind. I hate being compared to. especially when you know you've put in your best but you're being compared. doing your best doesn't even deserve compliments but even getting compared more to the ones who are better than you. so, I never want to be compared again to people. I want my loved ones to compare me to others. I hate being arrogant but the truth is, I wanna be the best. the best of the best. enough with that crap. today I got back my chemistry, English, biology, mathematics and physics trial papers. not complete for some but yeah. 
Chemistry : paper 1:47/50 paper3:39/50 
English: paper 2: 52/70 
Biology: paper 1: 40/50 paper 2: 48/100 paper 3: 35/50 overall: 68%/100%
mathematics: paper 1: 39/40 paper 2: 88/100 overall: 93%/100% 
physics: paper 1: 35/50 paper 2: 36/50
 I could say my worse as obvious is biology for now. 68% a B is definitely not making me happy. I could've done better. I feel devestated as I've let my mom down with my bio marks. and with this mark, I feel even more embarrassed to face Him as he was the best bio student in his school. haih. I really like bio. I've gotta step it up. to me, B is a failure. C is worse than failure. I'm sorry for letting everyone down especially my bio teacher Pn Yong who puts in so much effort into teaching us. bio lessons are important. therefore I will never skip school again. ever. I've learnt my mistake of skipping that 1 day of school. to you who is reading this, sorry I've let you down with such bad grades. I realize with my grades like that how am I suppose to get what you hope which is straight A+'s for trials like you did last year. 

i only have about 50 more days. it's game on.